The Dukes of Hazzard: Unrated

Warner Home Video / 2005 / 107 Minutes / Unrated
Street Date: December 6, 2005

Like many disposable entertainments in this disposable age, The Dukes of Hazzard is a cynical exercise that tries to further advance the studio’s opinion that kids are too stupid to know when a movie is this bad.

The CBS show, which premiered in 1979, was never high art. It was simple and stupid, with a Southern fried dollop of humor and good-natured charm. However, when screenwriter John O’Brien and director Jay Chandrasekhar adapted the sitcom to the big screen, they forgot to bring the humor and the charm. As good ‘ol boy cousins Bo and Luke Duke, Seann William Scott and Johnny Knoxville go through the motions. Scott gives the same dippy, genial performance he always gives. Knoxville is a better onscreen presence than his culture-destroying (yet career making) role on MTV’s Jackass would suggest. However, with no decent dialogue to deliver, he mostly acts with his face, looking exasperated, excited, or horrified, all in a slightly exaggerated manner.

The film differs from the TV show in some character details, but the program was hardly a Faberge Egg that demanded worshipful retelling. On the show, the Duke boys of rural Hazzard County were retired moonshiners. In the film, they’re unrepentant moonshiners who use the General Lee to cart firewater made from a still at the family home run by Uncle Jesse (Willie Nelson, not trying very hard). When corrupt commissioner Boss Hogg (Burt Reynolds, not as fun as it sounds) finds a suspiciously placed still in the Dukes’ barn, it allows him to seize the property. Hogg, resplendent in his Tom Wolfe-approved white suit, is seizing lots of property in Hazzard County and it’s up to the Dukes to figure out what he’s up to.

Helping our heroes is sexy Duke cousin Daisy, who was played in the series by leggy knockout Catherine Bach. Here, Daisy is played by singer/reality-star/It Girl/Future Robber of Laundromats Jessica Simpson. Sporting her character’s trademark Daisy Duke shorts, she uses her fluttering eyes and gorgeous gams to help the guys out of various scrapes, a raison d’etre that should set the woman’s movement back to the Stone Age. Casting her is another cynical ploy: pay us money to see one of today’s hottest young celebrities in a bikini, but sit through a horrible movie for the pleasure.

Chandrasekhar, veteran of the who-decided-these-guys-are-funny “Broken Lizard” comedy troupe, has nothing to say about the material, so he just presents it as is. At one point, the boys drive the General Lee to Atlanta, where it’s surrounded by a group of African-Americans who don’t appreciate the Confederate flag painted on the top of the car. This of course, leads to nothing in the way of commentary or humor.

The Dukes of Hazzard is a demoralizing film, this unrated version only more so. This new cut features more sorority girl boobage and F-bombs. Cut or uncut, the movie’s value as entertainment seems an afterthought, since the studio has already calculated the film’s profit-making potential. That may be a good reason to make a movie, but it’s not a good reason to see one. Wherever the next dart lands on the “What TV Show Should We Adapt Into a Movie” dartboard, it’s gotta result in a better movie than this.

The Video: How Does The Disc Look?

Bad movie, good transfer. This 2.35:1 anamorphic number is sharp, with no jaggies or print flaws. The colors are subdued, which fits the movie’s moonshine milieu. As such, nothing is that colorful, but it’s all confidently rendered, with no smearing or bleeding. Blacks are firm, and shadow detail is above average, showing no pixel breakup at any time. A nice transfer.

The Audio: How Does The Disc Sound?

The Dolby Digital 5.1 track is filled with Southern fried rock, car chases, and explosions, meaning a lot activity. There’s nice attention to detail in some scenes. For instance, the dialogue in Cooter’s garage has a touch of echo, adding depth. There are many side-speaker effects, such as doors closing and off-screen dialogue. Said dialogue sounds pretty nice. The narrator is deep and confident, but some of the character dialogue sounds constrained. Overall, a freewheeling track combining lots of elements that make good use of all speakers during action scenes.

There are also English, Spanish, and French subtitles. Why the French would want to watch this movie, except as proof that Americans are Neanderthals, is beyond me.

Supplements: What Goodies Are There?

Check your brain at the door for these supplements:

Daisy Dukes: The Short Short Shorts teaches us that Jessica Simpson went straight to the gym upon being cast, because she had “no butt whatsoever, a flat ass, so I had to do a lot of squats to get some cushion in there.” If the previous line turned you on, please enjoy this light-hearted, 4-minute look at how Daisy’s short shorts were created.

The General Lee Lives includes comments by director Jay Chandrasekhar, stunt drivers Darrin Prescott, Rhys Millen, and Kevin Scott, second unit director Dan Bradley, and special effects foreman Elia P. Popov. There’s plenty of behind-the-scenes video of the iconic car being tested for stunts and driving under remote control. It’s a fluffy piece.

How to Launch a Muscle Car 175 Feet in 4 Seconds shows us how the special effect coordinator, propmaster, and stunt driver launched a muscle car 175 feet in 4 seconds. Watching the creation of one, specific stunt makes the piece more focused, therefore more interesting.

The 15-minute The Hazard of Dukes is a standard making-of. Jay Chandrasekhar, producer Bill Gerber, actors Burt Reynolds, Seann William Scott, Johnny Knoxville, Burt Reynolds, and David Koechner cart out all the typical DVD featurette bon mots and platitudes. It’s purely promotional and becomes briefly interesting when stunt driver Rhys Millen explains how to induce your car into a slide.

Next is a music video for Jessica Simpson’s take on the Nancy Sinatra classic “These Boots are Made for Walkin’.” Oddly enough, Simpson wears a full-length winter parka and black veil over her head, so you can’t see her face or body. Either that, or this DVD is such a stinker that even a half-naked Jessica Simpson made me fall asleep.

Masochists may want to experience the 25 minutes of additional scenes. The funny is spread out amongst all the cast members and the video quality is excellent. There is a second set of additional scenes. This collection is unrated, lasts about four minutes and contains numerous shots of breasts, boobs, honkers, headlights, and fun bags.

Next are two sets of bloopers. One rated, the other unrated. The rated collection contains the usual assortment of blown takes and on-set frivolity. The unrated collection is much the same, except with more swearing.

Finally, there is the movie’s theatrical trailer.

Easter Eggs

There is one easter egg, located on the second page of the Special Features menu. It follows two plastic dummies dressed as Knoxville and Scott as they the prowl the New Orleans nightlife.

Final Thoughts

Make no mistake: Dukes of Hazzard is a Grade-A piece of crap that only the dumbest, most indiscriminate bong-hitting teenager could possible think is funny. The DVD features a nice transfer and lots of time-killing extras. But this is the kind of entertainment created by studio executives who think audiences are stupid enough to like anything. Please don’t prove them right.